So you’ve been thinking about some kind of cosmetic surgery. You’ve done some research; maybe your husband’s coworker’s wife had a breast augmentation last year. But frankly, you’re scared shitless about the whole thing. It takes you 3 months to even muster the courage to contact an office.
The initial phone call can set the tone for everything that happens afterward, including surgery. And because you’re obviously new to it all, it’s a good time for me to 1) ease your concerns and 2) gain some insight into who you are.
One lady wrote to us interested in a tummy tuck. I called her a minute later.
Me: Hey! This is Jenna from Dr. Schlesinger’s office! I got your message online; can I help you set up a free consult?
Her: Oh, thank God, yes. I need a mommy makeover, like yesterday.
Me: Die laughing. Like, actually laughing so hard, I had to ask her to repeat herself because I wasn’t sure if I’d heard her right. Hopefully, she wasn’t offended.
What kind of tone did I set? What new details did I have about this woman that would help me better guide her through the process of surgery? Who the hell knows. This was probably a poor example, but I got a good laugh out of it and she scheduled a consult.
I talked with a guy the other week who told me about how he used to use steroids as a teen and was now stuck with embarrassing man boobs. He said he never goes to the beach anymore and his self-esteem is shot. He sounded so disheartened.
I can list at least a dozen weird ways women have described the parts of their bodies they hate: bat wings, mochi balls, socks of rocks, sad sacks, “the way an egg looks if you throw it against a wall.” They’ve laughed, cried, and told me their most personal (but sometimes hilarious) stories. I empathized when a 20-year-old told me she had to wear 3 layers of sports bras because her natural breasts were too heavy and painful when she worked out. My heart broke when a mom told me how self-conscious she was about her body around her husband; how she always has sex with her clothes on, and only ever in the dark. I laughed my ass off the time a lady asked me if we could save her old implants because she wanted to send them to her ex.
And of course, it’s not just women. I’ve heard from so many men who are just trying to feel normal. I remember the girlfriend of one guy kept complaining that he took twice as long as she did to get ready because he spent so much time obsessing over what to wear and what shirts did the best job of hiding his man boobs. I can’t even imagine. The two benefits to being a man (I’ve always assumed) were 1) peeing standing up, and 2) a no brainer wardrobe. Ugh, I really felt for him.
I wish I could bottle all the memories and pour them out one by one into a pensieve like Dumbledore has. I’d take one out from time to time as a small reminder that we’re all only human.
What most people don’t realize is that plastic surgery isn’t just for the rich, famous, and self-obsessed. I mean, it’s the 21st century. Things are more accessible than ever before. You can buy a “prefab” tiny house off Amazon and, in an instant (plus $25k), you’re a homeowner. You can AirBnB a castle, a spaceship, probably even your own island for a night. So why shouldn’t we be afforded the opportunity to change some small part of ourselves if it would enhance our lives spiritually and emotionally?
Sure, plastic surgery might not be for everyone. But if it’s something you’ve ever considered, trust me – you’re surely not alone.